In 1995, I attempted to kill myself. It was not the first or last time I tried but it was what I considered my most successful attempt. Why? Because it landed me in the hospital where, for the first time in my life, I was able to start getting help. Two years later I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder.

Now you may wonder why it took them so long to diagnose me with this condition. I know I did. It turns out that Bipolar II has a manic phase somewhat dissimilar to Bipolar I. With Bipolar I you get a manic phase where you feel on top of the world. There is nothing wrong with you. You will also try to do anything and everything all at once. It's a compulsion, really, you simply MUST get it ALL done right now and you'll lose a ton of sleep in the process. You will function like this until eventually you crash into a severe depressive state (then the cycle starts all over).

With Bipolar II disorder you still get the compulsive get-it-ALL-down-right-NOW mentality. You pile your plate so high it touches the ceiling and lose a ton of sleep doing it. Also, like Bipolar I, you'll do it until you crash into an even more depressive state. However, unlike Bipolar I, you don't get the "happy-go-lucky I'm king of the world" feeling. You take on project after project after project but you don't feel good about it or even like you CAN do it. You're still depressed, just not AS depressed.

For years, I hated the moniker "Bipolar." I hated the fact it was severe enough they eventually had to put me on disability simply because I could not function well enough to hold down a full-time job. I do not believe, however, this will always be the case. I make small strides every day toward better spiritual, mental and physical health. I believe that in God's timing and according to His will for my life I will come off the disability. He may even remove the "thorn in my flesh" that is Bipolar II and take me off all medication -- again, in His time and according to His will. (see 2 Cor. 12:7-10)

The reason Bipolar II sometimes takes longer to diagnose - or at least in the '90s it did - is because they have to monitor your sleep patterns and activities for a longer period of time. Especially if there are large gaps in the shifts between the "super depressed often suicidal" and the "less depressed must-get-it-all-done-now" phases.

20+ years later I came to realize that I was basically labeling my manic and depressed phases by the "intensity" of the suicidal thoughts floating around in my head. You see, there were the aggressive (sometimes violent) thoughts in which I was actively coming up with ways to kill myself - or at least get someone else to do it for me. I would deliberately put myself in dangerous situations like picking up hitchhikers or driving complete strangers I literally just met on the streets 300 to 400 miles away to another city. Then I would turn right around and drive back alone on three bald tires. Albeit I didn't know the tires were bald until after I made it back safely.

These were the thoughts and actions that came during the "so-depressed-can-barely-get-out-of-bed" phase of the disorder. However, I had stopped hiding this "thorn in my side" a long time ago so someone (a doctor, close friend or family member) would catch on whether I said anything or not and would suggest that maybe another trip to the hospital to straighten out meds was in order. And, because deep down inside where my Spirit lives I don't really want to die, I would listen and go in for a few days.

Now as much as I really, really, really didn't want to die, I had also been truly plagued by suicidal thoughts and attempts since I was about eight years old. The thoughts running through my head during the less depressed manic phase, however, were more passive in nature. Instead of thinking "I'm going to cut my wrist or take a bottle of pills today," I would think (or pray even) that "maybe today I'll get hit by a bus or shot during a holdup or something." The difference being one action I would do to myself (aggressive - super depressed) and the other gets done to me by chance (passive - manic, less depressed).

Take heart, this story has a happy ending!

Now early to mid 2018 (May, June - not sure) I started going back to the church that had been my home for 18 years. I know it seems odd to say I had a home church for 18 years and still struggled with suicidal thoughts, but I did. Encourager Church has been my home and has lived up to its name by walking with me through a lot of stuff over the years. Yet I still carried the chains around my neck that Christ broke off of me many years before I even came to Encourager. I simply didn't know how to lay them down or let them go. They were my heavy metal blanket and in an odd way a comfort - because it's what I knew. Stepping out in faith, laying them down, that was the unknown and the unknown was awful scary at the time.

When I first started back at the church, I sat way in the back on the very last row in front of the Baby Corner. I sat during praise and worship and didn't sing, even though I had always loved singing. I simply would not allow myself to enter into worship. Then one day around July - August, 2018, I realized I was tapping my foot and singing along - still sitting, arms cross of course. Eventually I started standing and singing and moving up a few rows at a time. It took a while but last week I even made it down to the altar during praise and worship. It was truly liberating.

In early August, I had also decided to start working on a fictional book project that had originally started as a short writing assignment in high school. I tried working on it as well as a blog in 2012 but I guess I still wasn't ready. Another major milestone in or around August, 2018 - huge really - is that I was able to tell my therapist (and family/friends) that I was no longer having passive or aggressive suicidal thoughts. None! Nada! Zip! Zilch! - no suicidal nor derogatory thoughts towards myself.

At the end of Sep 2018 the Lord blessed me with a scholarship to the Release the Writer conference being held at my church. Aside from all of the wonderful, helpful writing, publishing and marketing techniques I learned at the conference, the Lord broke a lot of stuff off me that weekend. At the end of the conference He gave me a word, the short of which is this: He said that "you must be the one to cancel the lies of the enemy... You have to take the steps, you have to combat the lies and come into agreement with the promise and you have to battle hard and contend with everything that threatens to steal your promise."

I took him at his word and started combating all the lies I had believed about myself all those years. I laid down the chains (the lies) that I held onto with an iron fisted grip and grabbed hold of the promise with an even tighter, stronger titanium grip. It's paying off in ways I couldn't imagine. Before I couldn't walk in front of a mirror without calling myself horrible names and quickly turning away. Now I sing and dance in front of the mirror when I get dressed in the morning. Before I would shirk away or cringe at the slightest compliment about my freckles; now, I embrace them.

Does this mean that God has removed the bipolar thorn from my side? No, it's still there - in fact this week has been a rough one on the emotions. The rollercoaster feels like it's going to jump off its tracks sometimes. However, the manic phases manifest a little differently now and they are sometimes hard for me to see. But God reveals them to me mostly through a close friend or doctor - sometimes directly to me. Earlier this week for instance, I realized after waking up and staying up at 2:30 in the morning two days in a row along with the myriad of "to do lists" running through my head that I might just be in a manic phase. I mentioned it to my doctor on Wed and he said "Ah, maybe a little, but I'll take it."

Honestly, so will I. I mean if I have to be up "getting stuff done," I'd prefer being happy, singing and dancing while I do it as opposed to contemplating the best ways to off myself. Of course if I had any doubts about being in a manic phase this morning confirmed it. I woke up at 1:30 am, emptied and put away two boxes that have been sitting unpacked for the past eight years (room full of more boxes). Then I sat down and started writing what was in my head - leading to this topic. I trust God to catch me when I jump head long off this cliff towards the depressive rocky bottom.

(Side Note: The jump happened sooner than I expected, which is why it took so long to type this up. Honestly, I was really hoping for more time in the "get it done" phase before the depression and crying started, however, this week it hit. It was a slow descent to the bottom but the bottom was not as far as I thought it would. It started with me being extremely tired and needing to catch up on some much-needed sleep. Then by Wednesday the crying started, a lot of crying and more sleeping. The good news is, as bad as the pressure on my chest threatening to suck the air right out of my lungs feels, the suicidal thoughts have NOT come back.

I have been leaning on Christ in this process as best I know how. He has helped me put my feet on the floor and take the next step. I was able to continue most, if not all, of the good habits I began during the manic phase through this downward slide. For instance walking twice a day or eating healthier. The point is, the crash was not near as bad as I thought it would be nor as bad as it could have been.)

There are a lot of people who believed I should keep my mouth shut about this bipolar thorn but there are two reasons why I can't: First, if my story helps just one person suffering from the same (or similar) affliction it was worth the telling but more importantly, it is my KEY to overcoming the enemy's attacks. The first part of Rev. 12:11 says "And they overcame him (the accuser) because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony..." If we continue to declare with our mouths what the Lord has done and is doing in our lives, then the enemy won't have a leg to stand on.

1 Cor. 10:12-13 is most commonly misquoted as "God will not give you more than you can handle." Not true! If you could handle everything then how would you know that you need Jesus? What it actually says in the NKJV is "Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man, and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide a way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."

Now Bipolar Disorder is not a "temptation" but it can be a "thorn in the flesh." The correlation between the two is that they both keep us grounded (not boasting in ourselves too much) and no matter what trial or temptation we are going through, God has "provided a way of escape" through His Son, Jesus Christ, our Lord! Not only is Jesus our way of escape, He is our intercessor - constantly praying on our behalf. I came across this great quote by John Wimber: "The good news is Jesus is praying for us. The bad news is we're going to need it."

So if you're struggling with a thorn in your flesh that you've been diligently asking God to remove but He has yet to do so, "boast" instead "about your weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in you." For the Lord has said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:8-10. And remember, you are never alone.

Note: The "side note" was added in the midst of the depressive phase - after the original was written but before it was completely typed up.