I have been struggling to get back on track this new year. My first journal entry of 2019 was 1/10 and this so-called entry was fourteen days later (1/24/19). I didn't make any resolutions this year because, for me, it is a waste of time. Especially since I have never been good (in the past) at setting and keeping goals. There are a lot of reasons for that, which, Lord willing and memory serves me well, I will discuss at a later date.

Today I want to talk about Faith vs Doubt. Over the last few days the phrase, "Faith is a choice!" kept popping in my head. This morning I felt the need to talk about it because it got me thinking that if "Faith is a choice" then wouldn't doubt be a choice as well?

Several years ago I wrote sort of a short essay for this class I was taking at The Women's Home, a facility designed to help women in various situations get back on their feet. The title of the essay was Choices & Failures and its main theme is that "everything is a choice." Conscious or subconscious, every little and big thing we do is preceded by a choice. Even the act of declining to choose in any situation is in and of itself a choice. I will be the first to admit, I struggle with making a decision as simple as where to eat let alone life-altering decisions. The process will sometimes paralyze me for fear of making the wrong choice. Especially when doubt creeps in.

One of my favorite Bible passages is in John 20:24-29. It is about the disciple Thomas who over the years has received the moniker "Doubting Thomas." I seem to relate to him the most because doubt and distrust have been my bedfellows, my constant companions for most of my life. In this passage the other disciples were telling Thomas they had "seen the Lord," but he said, "Unless I put my finger into the print of the nails, and put my hand into His side, I will not believe." v25

After everything Thomas had seen Jesus do while He was still with them, after all the miracles, Thomas still doubted in the resurrected King. He needed proof and Jesus gave it to him. Jesus reappeared to the disciples and let Thomas inspect His wounds. v27 Only then did Thomas believe it was Jesus.

I can relate. Sometimes I feel like I am constantly asking for some kind of proof that Jesus is really there and that He really has my back. I don't want to doubt. I want to have "blind faith" but making that choice seems next to impossible sometimes. I was prompted to look up the definition of Faith and Doubt and I came across the following:

Doubt -- 5a feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality or nature of something. (1hesitate to believe) 6distrust.

Faith -- 1confidence or trust in a person or thing. 2belief that is not based on proof.

There are two passages on the relationship between Faith and Doubt that I find interesting:

1) Matthew 14:22-33 is the famous passage where Jesus walks on water. Now these were not the calm waters of a lake on a quiet night. The disciples were in a boat "in the middle of the sea," on a very windy night which caused the boat to "be tossed by the waves." v24. These were the conditions when Jesus decided to walk on the sea to them but they were afraid and cried out. Jesus spoke to them saying, "... do not be afraid, It is I" v. 25-27.

So Peter tests the Lord and says, "if it is You, command me to come to you on the water." Jesus commanded him and Peter went. Without hesitation, he got out of the boat in the midst of the storm and began to walk on the water toward Jesus. He was doing fine as long as he kept his eyes on Jesus and not the wind and waves around him. As soon as he looked at the circumstances surrounding him and "saw that the wind was boisterous," he became afraid and began sinking. He cried out to the Lord and Jesus immediately caught him. He said to Peter, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" v31

2) In James 1:5-8, James tells us that God gives "liberally and without reproach" to all who ask Him. But in v6 he tells us we are to "ask in faith, with no doubting." He compares a man "who doubts" to a "wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind" and that "he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways." OUCH!!! I don't want to doubt but it still creeps in more than I like"

These are perfect examples of what doubt is like. It does feel like I'm being tossed about by the wind, unstable and unsteady, like I'm about to fall off a cliff any moment. Then I cry out to Jesus and He catches me - every time. I'll say it again, I don't want to doubt - ever - I want to trust Him in and with everything. However, like so many of us my trust mechanism was broken when I was a child through abuse and abandonment. The problem is I have to choose to trust Him a little so that He can repair my broken trust mechanism and show me how to trust Him more.

Remember the two definitions of faith: 1confidence (or trust) in a person or thing and 2belief that is not based on proof. Hebrews 11:1 tells us "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (emphasis mine). Also remember that one of the definitions for doubt is the "uncertainty of the truth, reality or nature of something." If you look up synonyms for "substance" you'll find "reality" among them. Likewise, if you look up synonyms for "evidence" you'll find "proof."

Therefore: Faith IS the reality (we want).

Faith IS the proof (we need).

Faith IS the weapon (our weapon) against doubt!

Furthermore, they both (Faith & Doubt) are most definitely a choice. A difficult choice to be sure, but a choice none the less.

Knowing and sharing this information does not mean I will never doubt again. What it does mean is, when doubt plagues me, I can cry out just like the father who asked Jesus to heal his son from an unclean spirit "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!" Mark 9:23-24. So the next time doubt comes upon you with fierce determination to throw you off course remember two things:

First: You are NOT alone! and

Second: Cry out to Jesus, "Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!"

Then rest in Him and see what He will do.